The Single Life

At FHE Monday, some people were talking about LDS singles websites. It was a little disappointing hearing some people talk about how they didn't think it was worth the trouble of slogging through all the profiles looking for interesting people, because it took too long, and it was too hard to tell from a profile whether a person might be interesting. After a while, I realized that everybody was talking about the stodgy old granddaddy of LDS singles sites: LDS Singles Online. My comments about how the tools on LDS Singles Network made searching a lot quicker and the profiles more informative were met by skepticism from the jaded, but a few people seemed interested and said they'd check it out. I've wondered since then what it would take to either get LDSSO to add some features, or to start a mass migration from the big sites with few features to LDSSN. I noticed on LDSSN's "about" page that before they built their site, they had made some suggestions to other sites (which I assume includes LDSSO) which were ignored, and have concluded that the big boys are probably complacent enough that they don't feel the need to make any major improvements. So the question is, how does one start a migration?

I think the fact that everyone talks about LDSSO as if they were the only LDS singles site is part of the problem. If that's the site that everyone talks about, then that's the site that everyone is going to judge all LDS singles sites by. What we've got here is a sick meme ("an idea that replicates through society as it is propagated through person-to-person interaction"*), or at least a languishing one. Maybe if we could start a new meme that held out a little more hope for singles sites actually working, we could both increase the general level of interest, as well as getting more people onto the site with the features that can make it work.

So now I've got another question in the back of my mind: how does one start a meme? I guess if there were an easy answer to that question that didn't involve large sums of money, we wouldn't have to deal with advertisements. Here's what comes to mind so far:

1) Meme's grow best around things that are important, interesting, entertaining, or otherwise beyond the ordinary.
2) For a meme to survive, it must obtain critical mass, reach a tipping point, etc., before whatever started it dies out.
3) The only place to start is with oneself.

So here's what I plan to do:

1) Arm myself with a few interesting facts about LDS Singles Network (I think I'll focus on Compatibility Profiles/Compatibility Match Search, and Connections).
2) When singles sites come up in conversation, I'll look for opportunities to weave those things in.
3) Whenever I email someone on one of the other sites (yeah, I'm still on a few of them), I'll mention LDSSN and it's features.

I don't know how much difference it will make, but if a new meme does get started, maybe "that special someone" will come to LDSSN, and I'll be able to find her at last.

* nanotech-now.com

Every once in a while, I catch a glimpse of the thin, thin line that divides bliss from catastrophy. Last night, a girl I dated a few years ago came up in conversation, and was I ever happy to still be single! "By small and simple things are great things brought to pass," says Alma. If you're not careful, small and simple things can bring terrible things to pass too.

One such thing is the small and simple difference between being fun and interesting, and being a raving lunatic. Or at least mildly psychotic. In normal reality, it's usually not too hard to tell the difference. The problem arises when you meet a psycho, hit it off, and start dating before you've had the chance to figure it out. Once the hormones kick in, the line starts to get mighty thin and difficult to see.

That's what had happened with the girl I'd dated. She had some unique and entertaining quirks that made her a lot of fun to be around. What I didn't see at first was that in the serious parts of a relationship that happen between the fun, the quirks were still there, but they weren't quite so entertaining. Fortunately, she went home for the summer before things got too serious, and when we got back together in the fall, I caught a glimpse of that thin, thin line before going all the way blind again. We lasted about two weeks, and then called it off.

In retrospect, I should have seen it all along. Without going into detail, there were a few things about her that, if I'd sat down and thought about the long view of things, I would have known would lead to trouble. I'm definitely becoming an advocate of taking stock of what one wants in a spouse, and figuring out beforehand where and how much one is willing to compromise--not that you need to hold out for the absolute, 100% perfect dreamboat--but you do need to know your limits.

I went skiing at Brighton the other day. As I approached the lift line, I'd often hear someone calling out "single!" Some other "single" person would join them and they'd ride up the lift together. It reminded me of so called "speed dating", where groups of people get together and spend a few minutes in an intense one-one-one conversation with a member of the opposite sex, and then move on to the next person. Sometimes, you'll meet someone you'd like to get to know better and exchange numbers or email addresses. But not always. If ski resorts had singles days, you could combine speed dating with something more certain to be worthwhile.

I didn't notice anyone who'd linked up for the ride staying together after they got off. Maybe the ski slopes aren't the best places to look for love.

Last night at FHE, I noticed that Joe, who used to come all the time, wasn't there for the third week in a row. I voiced my observation to Alex, who said that he heard that Joe has been hanging out with a girl named Alicia a lot lately. Meredith overheard and asked whether they were dating or just hanging out, which lead to a long conversation about what the difference is between a date and hanging out, and how much it matters.

Questions that arose and were generally disagreed upon: If you hang out one-on-one, is that a date? If you hang out with multiple persons of the opposite sex, are you dating all of them at once? If you hang out rarely, is that dating, or is it more dating-like if you hang out frequently? Is there a sharp distinction between dating and hanging out, or is it a continuum? Is it only a date if you consciously have romantic interest? What if only one person is interested? What if both are? What if you're secretly interested? What if you used to be dating in an obvious way, but are just friends now? (There was disagreement of whether that's really possible or whether people are fooling themselves.) Is it possible to hang out with someone you're dating, or once you're dating, is it always a date? Does it even matter whether it's hanging out or a date? (There was major disagreement on that one!) Is it better to hang out or date? If you're hanging out at a resaurant and happen to eat dinner, should the guy offer to pay? (Gimme a break!) I spent most of the evening chuckling at how animated some of the participants in the conversation got.

Why, I wonder, do we use the word "date" to describe a romantic outing? Is it because one schedules (oh, wait, "two schedule") the outing for a particular "date"? If one goes camping overnight with a person of interest (ignoring the question of whether that would be appropriate or not--let's assume you're going with a group) is that a "date" or a "dates"?

So many questions. So little importance. All that really matters is whether you have fun and whether you end up married or not. Call it whatever you want.

Back in July while I was camping, my buddy Alex found a new girlfriend. So far so good. The problem is that whenever we all hang out together, the chemistry between us seems to gell. I'm gellin' like a felon, at risk of stealing my buddy's girlfriend.

Honestly, I'd have to say that I think we're a better match than she is with him. If we were in high school, and had no serious long term intentions in our dating, that would be one thing, but post mission, is it wrong to recognize the fact that we're a better match? To act on that recognition?

For now, I guess I'm satisfied with the way things are. We may not be dating, but we are getting to know each other and building a friendship, which is a good foundation for a more serious relationship. I don't think she and Alex will get more serious, so maybe it would be best to bide my time till they start drifting apart.

Or not. Tough call.

The bad news is that I've already slacked off on my journal writing. The good news is that I'm going out on at least two dates a week, even though I'm not writing about all of them, so I can at least hope that I'm making progress on my New Journal's Resolution.

One trick I've discovered for helping to avoid slacking off on New Years Resolutions is to find every possible new year throughout the year, and make or renew resolutions at those times. The first is obviously January 1. But there are others: Chinese New Year, the start of the fiscal year, and my birthday. In the future, my sister Joan and I are planning to make resolutions on each other's birthdays, as well as our own, which will help spread our various new years throughout the calendar year.

When I'm married and have children, I'll have even more new years to choose from. I wonder whether I'll need more resolutions then too.

LDS SN News had a link to an article on Meridian Magazine chronicling the rapid changes to some girls list of the four guys she was most interested in. One day, the guy on the top of her list "spent way too much time talking about how there are too many fat girls in our ward." He dropped to fourth place (sheesh, just drop the guy completely if he's going to be such a schmo!). The next day he was an "alternate" at number five, and then four days later he was "cute and charming" and went back to the top. If that were an isolated example of how fast this girl's hormones shifted, it wouldn't be a big deal, but it sounds like it's pretty typical--like every time a boy smiles at her she melts and puts him on the top of the list. I just can't see myself dating someone who's likely to drop me from number one to number five in the time it takes to walk from Sacrament Meeting to Sunday School. Please tell me not all women are this fickle!

An encouraging note. She said later that "guys have complete control over their placement on the list," and went on to say that asking girls out zips you to the top. I know for a fact that this isn't true with many girls, because I've clearly not ended up anywhere near the top of the list of some of the girls I've asked out. So not all women are emotional puppets. As much fun as it is to get instant acceptance, honestly, I think I'd rather put a little work in and end up with a stable relationship.